The Competitor
by GoodyAce
Summary: Kramer picks up more than a pen when he decides to write a book. George decides to hit the ground sleeping, and he's fighting mad. Elaine faces off against a competitor. Jerry waxes philosophic on perversion, the calendar year, and bedtime routine.


SEINFELD

EPISODE 188

THE COMPETITOR

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(Jerry and George are sitting around, reading the paper)

GEORGE

I had a good sleep last night.

JERRY

Oh, yeah?

GEORGE

Really. I don't mean I slept well. I mean, I had a really good sleep. Like, probably the best one I've had in five years.

JERRY

What did you do, flip the mattress?

GEORGE

Better. I slept on the floor.

JERRY

You slept on the floor?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY

Why?

GEORGE

I was lying in bed. And I was trying to get comfortable. And I couldn't. I kept shifting. You know how it's so hot in my apartment? Well I was on the left side of the mattress, 'but I normally sleep on the right.

JERRY

Why the change?

GEORGE

Sometimes I like to shake things up. See what happens.

JERRY

Oh, yeah. You know I've heard lots of people say that before and I don't think it's ever involved a fitted sheet in any way.

GEORGE

I think I'm wittier when I sleep on the right. But I'm usually luckier on the left. Like a few days ago I found a roll of subway tokens on the street. And the night before I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, I switched.

JERRY

You flip the pillows over too?

GEORGE

Well you've got to. The cool side of the pillow is the highlight of the sleeping experience.

JERRY

It's what I look forward to every night.

GEORGE

So I'm on the left side and suddenly I'm rolling into the middle of the bed. Like I'm in a divot or something. Like I'm a bead of water.

JERRY

I told you. You've got to flip the mattress. You do it every five or six weeks.

GEORGE

Isn't that change your toothbrush?

JERRY

Mattress too. Really, everything that needs changing is five or six weeks. Five or six weeks for a haircut, five or six weeks for an oil change. You know the year should be six weeks long. That way, you know when you've got to get everything done. It's New Years already? Well, time to change the baking soda in the fridge.

GEORGE

I moved the TV down off the dresser so I don't have look up at it. I feel like I'm at a slumber party.

JERRY

Look at this ad? What is this, a foot? You know, I don't understand the whole foot fetish thing. Can't these people find a better looking extremity?

GEORGE

Like what?

JERRY

I can think of a couple.

GEORGE

It's all perversion. Those guys don't know what they want.

JERRY

No. They do. That's the problem.

GEORGE

No. The problem is that they want the wrong things.

JERRY

I think we're talking about the same thing here.

GEORGE

You're talking about the wanting. I'm talking about the thing.

JERRY

Right.

GEORGE

I understand perverts. I think I could have been a pervert.

JERRY

Perversion. Nothing you can do about it.

GEORGE

It's like a schizophrenic guy hearing voices, and talking to himself. He hears the voices! What is he supposed to do, ignore them? I'll tell you this: if I'm alone in my apartment, and I hear someone ask if we're out of tuna, I'm answering.

JERRY

I don't see the connection.

GEORGE

Two extremes. You know, I wonder if the voices ever say anything interesting. Like if they make good conversation.

JERRY

I think it depends on the person. Tom Snyder. I think if Tom Snyder were schizophrenic, he could put on a pretty good one-man show.

GEORGE

I'm a normal guy. You know, desire-wise. Vanilla flavoured. I just don't need the bed. That's it.

JERRY

Again with the bed. You know, that's what it's there for. I could sleep on the floor too, you know. I know it's comfortable. But the bed is one societal value that I happen to respect.

GEORGE

Isn't the floor supposed to be good for your back?

JERRY

I don't know. My back's fine though.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER

Potatoes!

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

That's what you were just talking about. Potatoes.

JERRY

No we weren't.

KRAMER

Well what then?

GEORGE

We were talking about virility.

KRAMER

Sexual?

JERRY

Is there any other kind?

KRAMER

Well, you're looking at the king.

GEORGE

You?

JERRY

He's Don Juan and Casanova rolled into corduroy pants.

KRAMER

I'm a bucking Bronco my friend. Oh, you can't break me.

JERRY

What's with the notebook?

KRAMER

I'm taking notes for my book.

GEORGE

You're writing a book?

KRAMER

Well, I'm working on it.

JERRY

What's it called?

KRAMER

Abstract Minded. You know, because up here (points to his head), it's happening. And there's a range.

GEORGE

What's it about?

KRAMER

Oh, you know, life. Love. Happiness. Yearning. A lot of yearning. But I'm telling you, I can feel it. This is what I was meant to do. Write. The human condition. The material, Jerry. It's all around me.

JERRY

How far have you gotten?

KRAMER

Three pages...with the cover and the dedication.

JERRY

Who'd you dedicate it to?

KRAMER

You.

JERRY

Me?

GEORGE

Why him?

KRAMER

He's the one who inspired me to pursue my creative talents. Jerry, a struggling comedian, making jokes that no one laughs at. He's up there every night pouring his heart out to a bunch of yuppies drinking wine coolers. Barely scraping by. Living the life of a much younger, hipper man. This is my way of saying thanks buddy.

JERRY

You're welcome.

(Enter Elaine)

ELAINE

Hey, have you seen the paper yet?

JERRY

No, I haven't read it. Why?

ELAINE

Look at this?

JERRY

What? What am I looking at?

ELAINE

Look.

JERRY

I'm looking.

ELAINE

Right here. Right here.

JERRY

It's a letter to the editor. You wrote a letter to the editor?

ELAINE

Yeah. And they published it.

JERRY

Congratulations.

GEORGE

Can I see that?

JERRY

What made you do it?

ELAINE

Well they had a story about stay-at-home mothers. They said that all women should stay home and take care of their families. Can you believe that?

JERRY

No.

GEORGE

"And so women can stay home if they want. But just remember that you can't spell oven without o-v-e."

JERRY

Funny.

ELAINE

I know. It took me two hours to write.

KRAMER

Really? Two hours?

GEORGE

I don't get it. What's Ove?

JERRY

Ove is nothing. But l-o-v-e is something.

GEORGE

I know, but you're missing a letter here.

ELAINE

Is there a problem, George?

GEORGE

No. It's just kind of confusing.

JERRY

Well I understood it. And I liked it.

ELAINE

Thank you.

KRAMER

Hey, you think I can use that? In my book.

ELAINE

You're writing a book?

JERRY

It's serious fiction.

ELAINE

You're writing literature?

KRAMER

I'm writing life.

ELAINE

What do you know about life?

KRAMER

Hey. I've lived.

GEORGE

Look at this. Lohman's is going out of business. Did you know that?

JERRY

Yeah, I heard about it a while ago.

GEORGE

Fifty percent off everything. Today's the last day. Look at this, a juicer. I've always wanted a juicer.

JERRY

You don't drink juice.

GEORGE

How do you know what I drink?

JERRY

I've known you for twenty years and I've never seen you drink anything other than coffee and chocolate milk.

GEORGE

I'm gonna go down there and see if there's anything left.

KRAMER

I'll go with you. I need a new griddle.

SCENE - LOHMAN'S KITCHEN SUPPLY STORE

GEORGE

Excuse me, do you have any juicers left?

GIRL

Aisle 5 next to the melon scoops.

GEORGE

Thanks.

(As they're walking, Kramer throws out his hands and knocks over some pots and pans. George jumps as they fall to the floor, scared.)

GEORGE

Will you stop that.

KRAMER

Ah. Here we go. Look at this baby.

GEORGE

It looks like the hood off my father's old station wagon.

KRAMER

Five square feet of grilling pleasure. You've found a new home my friend.

GEORGE

There it is. The juicer. There's only one left. Come on.

(George walks over to the juicer, but just before he arrives another man enters the picture and picks up the box.)

GEORGE

Oh! Here we go.

KRAMER

What?

(Kramer's face is obscured by the rather large griddle and he can't see what's going on.)

GEORGE

This is all your fault, you know that? Making me stop for pens. I don't see you writing anything now.

KRAMER

What's going on?

GEORGE

Some guy's got the juicer. It's the last one.

KRAMER

You want me to get it?

GEORGE

What are you gonna do, trip him and take it?

KRAMER

I'll think of something. It'll be good material for my book.

GEORGE

What is this guy doing? He's got the box. I don't think he's gonna buy it. I think he's gonna put it down. He's gonna put it down! He's putting it down.

(George runs over to the box, but at the last second, the man re-enters the picture and grasps it right out of George's reach.)

GEORGE

Hey, what are you doing? You're not buying that?

LARRY

Why not?

GEORGE

But you just put it down? You put it down.

LARRY

So what? I changed my mind. I want it.

GEORGE

You can't change your mind.

LARRY

Why can't I?

GEORGE

Because you can't. That's why. What about the decisive shoppers? What about the people who know what they want? It's not fair to them. You can't pick something up, put it down, and then pick it up again.

LARRY

Well. I don't care if it's fair, or if it's not fair. I'm taking my juicer. And if you don't get out of my way, I'm gonna put you down.

GEORGE

Alright.

KRAMER

What was that?

GEORGE

The guy came back for the juicer.

KRAMER

And you let him take it?

GEORGE

I didn't let him. He took it. What was I supposed to do, start a rumble?

KRAMER

Walk over there. I don't want to be seen with you.

(Kramer moves over to the side, but crashes into a display of crock pots.)

SCENE - ELAINE'S OFFICE

(Elaine is posting her letter-to-the-editor on her door.)

RUSSELL

Hey. What's that?

ELAINE

It's my letter to the editor. It was published this morning in the Post.

RUSSELL

Really. (Reading) Ha! What's Ove?

ELAINE

It's supposed to be l-o-v-e.

RUSSELL

I don't get it.

ELAINE

Well.

RUSSELL

Well. Congratulations.

ELAINE

Thanks.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

GEORGE

So I reached out. We're talking full extension here. My hand was inches away. I mean, I could practically feel the warmth radiating off this box. 'Cause the guy had been holding it. And just as I'm about to secure it in my arms, he lunges in and takes it.

JERRY

Shame.

GEORGE

Then he tells me it doesn't matter that he put it down. Like he can just come in, pick up, put down, and that's nobody's business but his.

JERRY

I don't know where you got the idea that once merchandise is returned to it's proper resting place, that it suddenly becomes like forbidden fruit or something.

GEORGE

It's common sense. You know, street rules. The laws of life. In the wild, if an elephant picks up a tree branch to strip the bark, then drops it, the other elephants won't let him pick it back up again.

JERRY

See, the thing is, you're not an elephant.

GEORGE

Yeah. Too bad.

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

I'll tell you what though. When that guy told me he was gonna put me down. Something flashed over me. Like a bright light, or something. I just wanted to pick up a melon scoop and twist. But I didn't do anything.

JERRY

Well what's the point of getting into a fight? You think you're going to resolve anything that way? So you hit him, he hits you, you both get thrown out of the store and no one gets the juicer.

GEORGE

Yeah. But at least he doesn't get it. It's funny. I didn't want to fight him so much. I wanted to say something.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

I wanted to tell him to go to hell. I've never done that before.

JERRY

You've never told anyone to go to hell before?

GEORGE

No. Never. Why, have you?

JERRY

Yeah, lots of times.

GEORGE

What, like when someone's heckling you?

JERRY

No, not so much. I was on Coney Island once and a guy sold me a hot dog that was too small for the bun. It was, like, all bun. I had to take three bites before I even got to the dog.

GEORGE

So you told him to go to hell?

JERRY

We had a few choice words.

GEORGE

Wow. I never knew.

JERRY

Well you do now. You don't mess with me. 'Cause I'm tough.

GEORGE

I'm gonna do it.

JERRY

What, you're gonna walk around now waiting to bump into someone who you can tell to go to hell?

GEORGE

Well this is New York. It won't take that long.

JERRY

This is a kinder, gentler New York though. Giuliani's New York.

GEORGE

That's only on the West Side.

JERRY

But we're on the West Side.

GEORGE

So I'll go East! You want me to buy a compass?

(Enter Elaine)

ELAINE

Did you see this?

JERRY

What?

ELAINE

Today's Post.

JERRY

Yeah. I read it.

ELAINE

The whole thing?

JERRY

Well. I perused it.

ELAINE

You read the Sports? Didn't you?

JERRY

If anything else happens worth knowing about, I'm sure I'll hear about it eventually.

ELAINE

Look at this. It's a response to my letter to the editor.

JERRY

"And so even though you can't spell oven without o-v-e, you also can't spell husband with c-o-o-k." Ha! I like it.

ELAINE

Don't you get what's that's saying?

JERRY

Yeah.

ELAINE

He's mocking my letter.

JERRY

I know. That's why it's so funny.

ELAINE

That's not the worst part. I work with this guy. He's so arrogant. He always has to be the best at everything. Everything. Yesterday we ordered lunch at the office and he turned the whole thing into a speed-eating contest.

JERRY

So he's a competitor.

ELAINE

Yeah. He is. A competitor.

JERRY

I used to have a friend like that. Tim Wolfstein. This guy used to tell everyone he could jump and get his entire body parallel to the ground. Like a hand-rail.

GEORGE

Wasn't he the one who used to pick up the pennies?

JERRY

Yeah. He had this really weird change fetish. Every time he saw a piece of change on the ground, he used to run and dive on it like it was an onside kick. And the larger the denomination, the more excited he'd get.

GEORGE

I remember I was walking with him once and he found a quarter. I thought he was gonna burst a ventricle.

ELAINE

So what ever happened to him?

JERRY

Well one day the teacher needed someone to go pull the map down from the blackboard. And he always claimed he had, like, a five foot vertical. Well he went up to the front of the class, jumped, and he couldn't reach it. Then this other kid, this little 4 foot kid, Kenny Watts, went up and pulled it down. He was so upset that someone beat him that from that day on he never claimed anything again.

ELAINE

Maybe that's what I've got to do. I've got to beat him.

JERRY

What are you gonna do?

ELAINE

I don't know. I'll think of something.

GEORGE

Maybe you can challenge him to a cook-off.

ELAINE

What's that?

GEORGE

Nothing.

ELAINE

(Getting right George's face) Go to hell.

GEORGE

(To Jerry) That's it! That's what I'm gonna do.

SCENE - URBAN COFFEE SHOP (NOT MONK'S)

(Kramer is sitting at a table, writing.)

WAITRESS

Can I get you anything?

KRAMER

No. I'm fine.

WAITRESS

What are you doing there?

KRAMER

Oh. I'm writing. A book.

WAITRESS

You're a writer?

KRAMER

Well. I've been published.

WAITRESS

Wow. So what's it about?

KRAMER

Um. Well. So far I've got a lot of imagery. Characterization. I've got symbolism. It's a melange, really.

WAITRESS

Writers come in here all the time. But I've never seen anyone like you.

KRAMER

Well we good writers, you know, we're a reclusive breed. J.D Salinger, John Steinbeck, uh, Paul Emmel.

MANAGER

Excuse me. You've been sitting here all day. Are you going to order something?

KRAMER

No, I'm fine.

MANAGER

I don't know what you think this place is, but if you're not going to order something you're going to have to leave.

WAITRESS

Leave him alone. He's writing.

KRAMER

Well...

MANAGER

Is that so? Well then how about this for an ending. You and him get the hell out of here, right now.

WAITRESS

Come on. Lets go.

KRAMER

I'm putting you in the book buddy.

MANAGER

Go to hell.

SCENE - MONTAGE

(George is out on the street trying to enter into situations where he can tell someone to go to hell. First we see him hailing a taxi cab, and then waiting idly by for someone to steal it. Then we see him deliberately bump into a surly looking construction worker. Next he walks into the middle of the street without looking. Finally, he buys a hotdog, only to find the bun and dog in exact proportion.)

SCENE - GEORGE'S APARTMENT

(George is lying on the floor beside his bed with a pillow and a sheet. The TV is right beside him and he's watching a late night program)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY

So Grumpy, did you do it yet?

GEORGE

No. I haven't had a chance. Everyone in this city's so nice all of a sudden. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something. All my life I've had to deal with this intolerable cruelty and now when I need it most I click my heals and I'm suddenly back in Kansas.

JERRY

Did you try the hot dog?

GEORGE

I tried everything!

(Enter Kramer. He is hunched over and favouring his back.)

JERRY

Writer's block?

KRAMER

It's my back. It's killing me.

JERRY

What did you do?

KRAMER

Oh, I didn't do anything. It's Suzy. That girl is out there. She's wild. Like a tigress.

GEORGE

What do you mean?

KRAMER

I mean she's...out there. Way out there. Literally.

GEORGE

You don't mean...

KRAMER

Oh. I mean. She's a pervert.

JERRY

Really?

KRAMER

Forget the bed! That doesn't mean anything to her. I slept over there last night. She doesn't even have one.

JERRY

So where did you sleep?

KRAMER

Under the kitchen table.

GEORGE

Wow.

JERRY

I guess the bed is good for the back.

KRAMER

I'm telling you Jerry, it was crazy. I finally told her, I said, I don't want to be out there. I mean I'm out there all day, right. Sometimes I want to be in.

JERRY

Of course. Four walls, a door, semi-private bathroom. In.

KRAMER

She wanted to...on the roof.

JERRY

So what did you do?

KRAMER

Well I'm scared of heights. Anyway, it's over.

JERRY

Don't tell me. The King is dead.

KRAMER

He's left the building.

GEORGE

She wanted to do it on the roof? Hmm.

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

Well, it's warm outside. Not too much wind.

JERRY

We're not talking about landing a plane here.

GEORGE

I know. It's just...interesting. That's all.

JERRY

Yeah right. You're interested. That interests you. You wear a bathing suit to the pool so you don't have to change twice. What are you interested in? The thin air? You have enough trouble at sea level.

KRAMER

She broke me Jerry. I'm done! Strap a saddle on me. I'm finished.

GEORGE

Is it over?

KRAMER

I don't know. She's, uh, she's coming over today.

JERRY

What's wrong?

KRAMER

I'm demoralized. I'm hanging my head.

GEORGE

So, maybe I'll drop in.

JERRY

You want to meet this girl?

GEORGE

Hey! If she's so...out there, maybe she's the one. These people, you don't know what they're capable of. They probably get told to go to hell every day. What if we're together, and she...propositions me. What better excuse could you have to tell someone to go to hell than a perverse sexual proposition? Huh? Kramer, when's she gonna be here?

KRAMER

Oh, she's coming by at, I don't know, three.

GEORGE

That's it. I've got a good feeling about this.

JERRY

Well I never knew dementia could be so soothing.

SCENE - STREET

JERRY

So have you met Kramer's new girlfriend?

ELAINE

No. I didn't know he was seeing anyone.

JERRY

He just met her a few days ago.

ELAINE

How's the book going?

JERRY

I heard they've already got a space picked out on the shelf at the Library of Congress. Hey, wait a second. I can't believe this. Is that? Tim Wolfstein? Hey! Tim.

TIM

Oh. Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Tim. How are you? What has it been, 15, 20 years?

TIM

Yeah. Something like that.

JERRY

And who's this?

TIM

Uh, Jerry, this is my wife Molly. Molly, this is Jerry. He's an old friend.

JERRY

Nice to meet you. This is Elaine. We used to date. You know Tim, it's funny running into you today because I was just telling Elaine that story about the time in Geography class when you...

TIM

Jerry, could I talk to you for a second?

JERRY

Sure.

(Tim leads Jerry off to the side)

TIM

Jerry. Emma doesn't know about the old Tim. The competitive Tim. It's something I've sort of, tried to put behind me. I don't want her to find out. So could you just, you know, not mention it.

JERRY

Sure. I didn't know.

TIM

It's OK.

JERRY

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

EMMA

Tim, we're late.

ELAINE

Oh, where are you going? A show?

TIM

The periodontist.

ELAINE

Oh. Well, it was nice meeting you.

TIM

Bye Jerry.

JERRY

Wait a second, we'll walk with you. I haven't seen you in fifteen years. Your gums can wait. You floss, don't you? Hey, is that a silver dollar?

(Jerry points to a spot on the ground about thirty feet from where the three of them are standing. A silver dollar lies, glistening on the sidewalk. Tim's muscles start to stiffen.)

TIM

Yeah. Looks like it.

JERRY

That's a big chunk of change.

TIM

Sure.

(Tim is obviously uncomfortable, restraining himself from running after the silver dollar.)

JERRY

Well?

(Tim breaks out into a dead sprint for the coin. As he runs towards it, Russell, the man from Elaine's office can be seen on the opposite end of the sidewalk. He too sees the coin and rushes towards it. Tim arrives a split second earlier and scoops the coin into his hand.)

RUSSELL

Hey. What are you doing?

TIM

What are you talking about?

RUSSELL

That's my coin. I saw it first.

TIM

No you didn't, I saw it first.

ELAINE

Yeah, Russell. He saw it first.

RUSSELL

Hey. Are you saying his eyesight's better than mine?

TIM

Well...

ELAINE

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. He can see farther than you any day of the week.

RUSSELL

Really?

TIM

I don't know...

RUSSELL

This guy can't see. Look at him.

TIM

Hey, my eyes are fine.

RUSSELL

Yeah. Well look at these retinas, buddy. I could've been a pilot. I could've been the best pilot.

TIM

Are you saying your eyesight's better than mine.

RUSSELL

I'm saying my eyesight's the best.

ELAINE

Well maybe you want to back that up.

JERRY

Tim. No. It's not worth it.

TIM

OK. Well, we'll see about that.

EMMA

Tim. The periodontist.

TIM

Oh, the periodontist can go to hell.

SCENE - KRAMER'S APARTMENT

SUZY

So when are you gonna read me some of your book?

KRAMER

Oh, I don't know. When it's finished.

SUZY

Can't I just take a little look?

KRAMER

No. Now you know I can't compromise my creative intuition.

SUZY

You want to go out on the fire escape?

KRAMER

No. I don't think so.

SUZY

Kramer. (Begins to motion suggestively)

KRAMER

Hey. Look. Here's my book. Why don't I just, read some of it. To you.

(Cut to the hall)

SCENE - HALL OUTSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT

SUZY

You call that writing? You're not a writer.

KRAMER

What? Was it the narration? Because I can use third person. I can use it.

SUZY

I'm out of here.

(As Suzy turns to leave, she bumps right into George who has come to see Jerry. She glares into his eyes and he realizes this is his chance.)

GEORGE

Hey! Watch where you're going.

SUZY

Why don't you watch where you're going.

GEORGE

Yeah! Well go to hell.

(Suzy storms off in a huff.)

GEORGE

Jerry! Jerry! I did it. I did it. Jerry.

KRAMER

Oh, he's not there.

GEORGE

What?

KRAMER

He's not here. He went out.

GEORGE

Oh.

(George slumps his shoulders and walks back down the hall. He sees the elevator about to close and runs for it, making it at the last second. As he rushes inside and slams against the back wall he takes notice of the only other occupant of the car. It is Suzy, the woman whom he has just told to go to hell.)

(George attempts a forced smile. Suzy glares back at him.)

GEORGE

Could you press G for me?

SUZY

You want me to press G for you?

GEORGE

No. I'll do it.

SUZY

Why did you tell me to go to hell?

GEORGE

Because you bumped into me.

SUZY

So?

GEORGE

So you were very unapologetic.

SUZY

Well so were you.

GEORGE

But you bumped into me!

SUZY

And you didn't bump into me? Someone just doesn't bump into someone else. It takes two people to bump.

GEORGE

No. One person bumps. I've bumped into a million people, and it has always been my fault.

SUZY

Well you shouldn't have said that. It wasn't very nice.

GEORGE

Well it's not fair. Everyone else gets to say it. I've never said it before. I've been nice. It doesn't work.

SUZY

I've just been having kind of a bad day.

GEORGE

Oh, you've been having a bad day? You've been having a bad day? I got exact change from a busdriver. There wasn't even an argument. I'm sorry. I had a really bad hot dog this afternoon. It's not sitting right.

(The elevator gets to the ground floor and opens. Suzy presses the button and the doors close again.)

GEORGE

What are you doing?

SUZY

Want to make it up to me? (Suzy presses a button on the elevator key pad?)

GEORGE

That's the roof button. What are you going to the roof for?

(Suzy winks at George. It gradually becomes obvious to George that Suzy wants to have sex with him on the roof of Jerry's apartment. He becomes nervous and extremely agitated at her advances, but remains in the elevator.)

SCENE - STREET

JERRY

Tim. You don't have to go through with this.

TIM

I feel good Jerry. Better than I have in twenty years. I feel great. I feel the best. See that awning, Jerry. I could jump and touch that. You want to see me touch it?

JERRY

No, I don't! I thought you had this under control?

TIM

Well I'm back.

RUSSELL

Are you ready?

TIM

Lets go.

RUSSELL

OK. Here are the rules. I'll call out something, you've got to see it. If you can't see it, and I can, you lose.

TIM

Street rules.

RUSSELL

OK. That plane up there. What carrier?

TIM

Easy. Delta. What does that road work sign on the corner say?

RUSSELL

Road closed 7-10 Saturday and Sunday.

TIM

Damn.

RUSSELL

Thought I couldn't see that far, huh? Well my friend, I (points to his eyes) guess you thought wrong.

JERRY

This guy's like a hawk.

RUSSELL

OK. OK. See that newspaper stand down on the corner? What kind of magazine is that guy buying?

ELAINE

Come on Tim. You can do it. See. See!

TIM

Esquire!

RUSSELL

Vogue! Ha! You lose. I win. I'm the best. Nobody sees better than me. (Starts vigorously rubbing his eyes)

ELAINE

Hey! Wait a second. What is that? Those are contacts. You're wearing contacts! You cheated!

RUSSELL

Hey, that's not cheating! I wear contacts. So what?

ELAINE

So that's an unfair advantage.

RUSSELL

No one ever said anything about contacts.

TIM

I'm sorry Jerry.

RUSSELL

Hey, even without my contacts I can outlook this guy any day of the week.

TIM

I've got to go.

ELAINE

No. Tim. Please. You can do it. I know you can beat him.

JERRY

Look within yourself. Or something.

TIM

Alright. Lets go.

ELAINE

Yes.

RUSSELL

OK. So you're coming back for seconds. OK. See that guy in the blue jacket? What toppings are on that guy's pizza? (Points to Newman eating a large slice of pizza)

TIM

Pepperoni, onions, and...

TIM

Mushrooms!

RUSSELL

Aha.

TIM

No. Anchovies!

(Jerry is quite bored by this whole sight game)

JERRY

I'm gonna go get a pack of gum.

TIM

That building over there. See that antenna on the roof? How many branches are on that antenna?

ELAINE

That's Jerry's building.

RUSSELL

(Straining) Five!

TIM

Six! Ha! I win!

ELAINE

Tim!

JERRY

What happened?

ELAINE

Tim won.

JERRY

What did he see?

ELAINE

The antenna on the roof of your building.

JERRY

There's no antenna on the roof of my building.

ELAINE

Sure there is.

JERRY

No there's not. Why do you think my TV reception's so bad?

ELAINE

Then what is that?

RUSSELL

Wait a second. That's not an antenna. That's someone's feet.

ELAINE

Oh my God!

TIM

Hey! Is that George Costanza?

RUSSELL

So do I win?

ELAINE

Oh, go to hell.

THE END

(Over the end, as the frame freezes, we hear these lines delivered)

SUZY

Oh, George.

GEORGE

My back!

THE END


End file.
